Why I should not be allowed in public

*Names have been changed for the sake of everyone's dignity.

One time my friend Topanga became friends with a whole bunch of kids from Star Valley. She often asked me questions about them, so I didn’t consider it odd when she texted me one night asking if I had dated Landon’s little brother, Thomas.

I replied “Oh my heck! I WISH I had dated Thomas! He’s a great kid. He’s a total stud, and he’s one of my role models.”

Then like the fool that I am, I proceeded to tell her that I had also been in love with their older brother Cody since the beginning of time, but that I had always wanted him to marry my sister. But that was a secret.

She wrote back and said that she was sitting on the couch next to Landon. I was mortified.

I said “Oh please tell me that you did NOT just read him everything that I’ve just said.”

But no; she had definitely read him everything that I had said.

Then Landon texted me and said that he would be alright if I married into his family, and I told him he’d have to convince his little brother of that. He said he would.

This would have been a good time for me to put my foot in my mouth. But just wait. It doesn’t end there. Oh no, it only gets better. So then I told Topanga that I was so embarrassed and she said not to be because Landon said I was cute and sweet.

 To this I replied “No I’m not. I was the dorky kid that the other kids called ‘Magpie’!”

Then Topanga freaked out because she thought that Landon had been a bully, and I had to do damage control and convince her that he hadn't been the one to call me names. It was the other kids we used to hang out with.

Anyway… So in less than half an hour, I managed to tell someone that I once loved two of his brothers, and make his friend think that he was a bully. Moral of the story is that I should not be allowed to be in contact with any other human beings, because nothing good ever comes from it.