Blessed Assurance

Today has been a sweet Sabbath, filled with lots of tears. Sad, pitiful tears. But such is life. I went to church this morning and invited a visitor to sit by me. She was sweet, and it was much needed for both of us, I think. I was fine during the first hour of classes, but in the second hour of classes, things started to go downhill. I found my thoughts wondering as I reflected on the last four months of my life and reviewing some of my happier memories from that time frame. But then I found myself wondering how long it is acceptable to keep doing that. I know that a natural part of mourning is to reminisce and think about good times. But at what point to do you need to let go and not think about those things anymore? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure if I want to hit that point anytime soon. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to be done with the heartache and sorrow and be able to feel completely happy again.

By the time that I made it to Sacrament Meeting, I was feeling a little somber. I sat right in the middle of the chapel on the edge of a long bench, hoping that someone would come fill in the middle section and therefore, sit by me. But nothing.... as Sacrament Meeting got closer I found myself starting to feel even more blue. And then this super sweet girl left her row of friends and asked if she could come sit by me. That was so sweet of her. I didn't know who she was, but I kept thanking her for coming to sit by me so I didn't have to be alone. During the Sacrament, I pulled out a hymn book and read the words to the hymn "Reverently and Meekly Now." I like that hymn, because it is written from the perspective of the Savior talking to us. As I read the words to that hymn, a few tears slid down my face as I felt like He really was talking to me. I pulled myself together to listen to the speakers. The first speaker addressed the topic of gratitude even in our trials. If that wasn't applicable, then I don't know what is. Then the next speaker addressed the topic of happiness. Again, nothing more applicable to my life. Then finally the high council member stood up and spoke about how we will face hard times in life and how it is alright to ask questions in those times. But he said that we should make sure that we are asking real questions. We should not be asking rhetorical questions as a way to moan and groan about our circumstances. That hit home with me. His whole talk was really inspired, and again I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

When Sacrament Meeting ended, I had the opportunity to meet with my Stake President. He had been my bishop who assisted with my missionary application, and therefore someone that I felt particularly close to. I went into his office and sat down. He asked me a question or two about my mission, and then about my life since. I gave him a brief overview of the last few months of my life, with a little more detail put into the last month. We discussed the nature of my current situation, and what it meant for the future. I shed quite a few tears during that visit. But I was glad that I was able to sit down and talk to an ecclesiastical leader, or really any sort of leader. I appreciated the perspective, wisdom, and compassion that he was able to share.

Now here I sit, still feeling heartbroken and numb. But at least I feel the spirit more today that I have in a very long while. I have been able to see the Lord's hand very clearly in the trials that I have been handed lately. But today I was also able to see His hand in supporting me through those trials. The days may be dark, but there is light ahead somewhere. I just need to keep moving forward until I reach it.